Once upon a time a King, he had an awful quandary,
His Queen had died a sudden death and though he'd loved her fondly,
He needed to be married for he had no son and heir,
So he advertised on Facebook for a wife, his life, to share.
Young ladies came from near and far, they crossed the seven seas,
Some were very beautiful and some had knobbly knees
And some were even older than the King's own sainted Mother,
And one took quite a liking to his handsome younger brother.
They came and went quite rapidly, but most were inauspicious,
He'd seen a thousand princesses and grown a tad suspicious,
But then one night, one stormy night, a knock came at the door,
In came a poor bedraggled girl all dripping on his floor.
“Can I help?” the King enquired, “D'you know you're dripping wet?
It wouldn't normally matter, but these rugs are from Tibet,
I'm not the kind of bloke who usually kicks up such a stink,
But they cost a tidy fortune and I'd hate for them to shrink.”
“My name”, the soggy girl intoned “is Princess Deidre Fumble,
My blood is bluer than the Nile,
Do you like my million dollar smile,
I like couture and things of style,
And I'm very rarely humble.”
The King said “Do you know that you're the fifth princess today?”
But he found her quite attractive so he asked if she would stay,
“If you don't mind me saying, (and I'm very glad you came),
But Deidre Fumble's not a very Royal sounding name?”
“What a gross impertinence? Of course I mind your Highness!
Is a pig opposed to bacon? Does a fish object to dryness?
I've been training as a Royal from the moment I was born,
And you impugn my Royal name with ridicule and scorn.
My family have ruled our land for many, many years,
Look at these, you see, I even have the Royal ears.”
And while the King was standing there admiring Deidre's lugs,
She emptied out her sodden boots upon his precious rugs.
Mmmm, she might be Royal? He thought, She's pretty blooming feisty,
So he asked again if she would stay, and this time more politely,
But to see if Deidre truly was possessed of noble blood,
(An authentic Royal Princess, and not another dud,)
He placed a dry and hardened pea underneath her mattress.
Just to make completely sure that she was not an actress.
“Goodnight Deidre,” said the King “I hope the bugs don't bite.”
“BED BUGS,” Deidre shrieked and turned a lighter shade of white,
“At home I have a brand new mattress every single night,
So the risk of infestation is infinitely slight.”
“Good Lord above,” exclaimed the King “that seems a little lavish!”
But then he called his butler, whose name was Ross McTavish,
“McTavish, please ensure that Deidre's Mattress is brand new,
And to make sure she is comfy, please bring her twenty two.”
And so he did, the pea was hid, beneath the mattress stack,
But Deidre could not get to sleep with a pea stuck in her back.
“There's a pea” she said “beneath my bed and I'd like it removed,
And now I think my Royalty is well and truly proved,
Good night good King, and here's the thing, tomorrow we will wed,
Don't wake me up till noon though 'cos I like to stay in bed.”
The King was quite delighted that his cunning plan had worked,
But a nagging worry bothered him and in his mind it lurked,
Could I really marry her, she seems a trifle choosy?
It kept him up all night, the poor man barely got a snooze, He
had decided what he had to do, before the break of day,
So when Deidre Fumble surfaced he had to have his say.
“I'm going to marry Molly here, although she's not a Royal,
For she loves me, and I love her and we will both be loyal,
And you my rude obnoxious girl can pootle home to Dad,
You might well be a princess but you'd quickly drive me mad.
Go home and tell your Father that for you they'll be no wedding,
And please give him this envelope; it's a bill for Royal bedding.”
The lessons here are loud and clear; a child can easily spoil,
Especially if they start to think that they may well be Royal,
They will not do as they are told; won't tidy up their messes,
So please don't spoil your daughters, lest they become princesses,
Just one mattress should suffice, so don't indulge your daughter,
And marry someone that you love not someone that you oughta!
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